Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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