I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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