yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
