this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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