I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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