just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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