I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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