I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This is the high leading the old right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
