we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
