How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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