upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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