By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
