Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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