Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
