oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
