Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
