We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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