No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
