He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
