i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
