So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
