Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
