There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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