wakey wakey hands off snakey
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
