I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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