I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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