i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
