at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
