When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
