oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
