also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
