Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
