just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
