Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
