If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
