Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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