I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
