things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
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