my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
