Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
