I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
