Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
