he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
