i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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