He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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