my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
