I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
