I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
