Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
