Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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