His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I still have a little drunk in my system
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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